Caring for Your Body While Grieving
The physical manifestations of grief are often surprising—but there are some simple things you can try to help alleviate them.
One phrase changed everything in the early days after my husband died: “You’re in pain.”
After the initial adrenaline of survival mode wore off, grief took up residence in my body. I blamed my sore muscles on too many nights sleeping on the sofa because I was too devastated to sleep in our bed. I chalked the headaches up to the migraines I get every month. But it wasn’t until my therapist spoke those three simple words that I truly recognized these physical manifestations of grief.
Only then did I connect my physical pain to my emotional agony.
My therapist gave me the clarifying information I needed to begin caring for myself again. Until that point, I had completely ignored my own physicality. “Self-care” felt selfish when my husband was dead, my daughter needed a present mother, and there were so many phone calls to make and papers to fill out. It finally dawned on me that tending to the body while grieving is not merely an act of self-care—it is an act of survival. As Joanna Cacciatore says in Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief, “When we are deeply wounded, we must turn our focus to the injured place in order to survive.”
Caring for the physical body is a vital process after loss. “We often think of grief as primarily emotional, but grief is a full-body, full mind experience. You’re not just missing the one you’ve lost, your entire physiological system is reacting, too,” grief advocate and psychotherapist Megan Devine writes in It’s Ok That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. “Grief affects appetite, digestion, blood pressure, heart rate, respiration, muscle fatigue, and sleep—basically everything.”
So much in the body is deeply affected by grief. I have learned from my own experience that small, manageable acts of physical self-care had the greatest impact on how I feel physically during the day.
Here, some tips I’ve discovered that you may find useful as you navigate your own grief journey.
Movement as Medicine
In the time I think of as “before,” yoga was an integral part of my daily life. After? Well, my mat collected dust for weeks. When I finally rolled it back out, I could manage only a simple child’s pose and a few other asanas. But over time, movement brought me closer to myself and improved my overall sense of health. On the days I practice I sleep better, feel less physical pain, have more patience, and can process my emotions more gracefully.
Heidi Godman of Harvard Medical School states that “grieving takes a toll on the body in the form of stress.” As we know, movement is vital for both our physical and mental health.
Yoga teacher and dance artist Hunt Parr observes that movement provides a coping mechanism for grief, in addition to its benefits to physical health. “When we experience difficulty and intense emotion, we tend to contract, close down, or shut off. Setting ourselves in motion can be a really simple way to soften again,” he says. If you’re grieving, you’re in your head so much more; creating movement is a beautiful way to embrace a somatic experience rather than a cerebral one. When you feel stuck and contracted, it can feel that the world is moving without you; you feel fixed. [Movement] is a way to get your head above water again.”
The type of physical activity you choose is personal and will likely change according to your mood and energy level. Some days I prefer a brisk walk or a challenging reformer class to yoga. Parr suggests incorporating both cardio-based exercise and mindful movement practice into your routine, as they are beneficial in different ways. “Cardiovascular activity, such as running or dancing, keeps your heart strong and your body oxygenated. A practice like restorative yoga holds space for rest and recovery; it shifts the body from ‘fight or flight’ to ‘rest and digest,’” he says.
Nourish the Body, Nourish the Soul
It is imperative to continue to nourish the body, even if feeding yourself feels senseless or challenging—which it very well might. I recently read The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion , who recounts reading advice from early twentieth century etiquette expert Emily Post in which she recommended that hot broth and tea be brought to the bereaved after a funeral. In my own experience, easily digestible, hydrating, and comforting foods contribute more to my overall sense of physical wellbeing.
Health coach Svenja Ostwald echoes Post’s guidance: She suggests eating warming foods such as soups, hot cereals, and nourishing beverages. Foods can be enhanced with spices like cinnamon, cardamom, cumin, ginger, cloves, and garlic. During the cooler months, cold foods, such as smoothies and raw salads, may lead to feeling not only physically cold but energetically cold as well. In my case, my husband passed away during the summer, so during the days I craved smoothies and salads, but drank plenty of calming hot tea in the evening. On bad grief days during the winter I switched to oatmeal with cinnamon for breakfast, a childhood favorite that feels deeply nourishing and warming.
Grief may also cause distress in the gut. In Psychology Today, Marilyn A. Mendoza, Ph.D., explains that the gastrointestinal tract is one of the systems of the body most susceptible to stress. This is one of the reasons that Ostwald encourages eating mindfully while grieving. “When your heart is heavy, make sure you get all the appropriate nutrients from wholesome foods,” she says. Well meaning friends sent boxes of chocolates and pastries after my husband’s death to perk me up, but after a while, the sugar left me feeling sluggish and low. When I prioritized healthier foods—even if they came in a take out container— I had more energy for dealing with my husband’s final affairs and being present for my daughter.
But as with all things during the grieving process, give yourself grace and don’t judge yourself for your dietary choices, something that is always important but especially during a highly stressful time.
Sleep to Repair
Sleep was fleeting in the early days of my grief—it still is many nights. It wasn’t until the morning after I finally had a good night’s rest that I realized how critical sleep is to my emotional health and overall productivity.
But why is sleep so important? Helen Peckman, a sleep and wellness coach in New York City, agrees that sleep is often cast aside in our fast-paced culture and explained that sleep is reparative to the entire body, including organs, muscles, and the mind. “If you don’t get enough sleep, your body doesn’t get a chance to repair,” she says.
Peckman advocates cultivating daily habits that encourage better sleep. These habits include exposure to sunlight and fresh air first thing in the morning, daily exercise, and minimizing caffeine (especially in the afternoon) and alcohol (which can have negative effects on sleep). She also recommends an afternoon “brain dump:” to avoid feeling overwhelmed by thoughts and to-do lists in the evening.
Ending the day with your own wind down routine can usher in a more restful night. Peckman’s routine includes a warm bath or hot shower, avoiding electronics in the evening hours, and reading an actual book (which makes us more tired due to eyes moving back and forth across the page, she says). My evening routine, when I can remember to do it, includes a few moments on my acupressure mat, listening to a soothing playlist, and reading short stories or poetry.
Of course, these are all just suggestions and each person will find their own way to navigate through the physicality of their grief. But know you’re never alone. Many have walked this path before you. And if you are experiencing severe physical symptoms, it’s always a good idea to seek out professional advice.
Just remember:
Set yourself in motion, using whatever modality calls to you and know that can change daily. Whether you run, dance, box, or practice yoga, movement strengthens the body, soothes the soul, and clears the mind.
Eat mindfully and intuitively. Prioritize foods that comfort you—and integrate nourishing, whole foods when you can.
Set yourself up for a good night’s sleep. Getting better rest is a process that begins long before bedtime.